Looooong Time No See, Eh?

So. No, I didn't die of a mysterious illness. I just took a very, very long break. Over a year.

Y'all can stop rolling your eyes now. I mean it. Knock it off. I'm a hacker-in-training, I can see your very soul through your computer monitor.

...

Silliness aside, I've taken up writing again. I've made it a New Years Resolution to write in this blog at least once a week, despite the fact that maybe two people read it. (Show of hands, anyone?)

So, here I am. Writing. Late at night, after everyone else goes to bed.

I like this time of night. It's very relaxing to be able to sit down at my computer, knowing that I'll be only interrupted by emergencies...or, since I'm visiting my family at the moment, small children sleepwalking. Some combination of the two being possible, but unlikely.

I guess that's why I decided to write now, of all times. I'm able to clear my thoughts, to put aside the worries and cares of the day, and just relax. I can surf the web, looking for something to catch my fancy. I can exert my creative side and play around with my graphic design software. I have the freedom to be anyone, anything I want to be...

...and yet, I choose to be myself, in some base form.

It's odd, really. We often act differently around different groups of people. We have a whole selection of masks, whether we realize it or not, even if the only purpose of a particular mask is to filter out language and behavior that is inappropriate for a given situation.

I act far differently with my family than I do at school. I have no friends here, so I just stay with my family. Here, I bear the title of Responsible Babysitter/Nanny. I am my mother's substitute, and am often sent where she can't (or doesn't want to) go. I am That Kid's Big Sister to most of my little sisters' friends, which means I'm either a demoness incarnate or an angelic being (usually depending on the amount of 'coolness' I exhibit at a given time, and how they themselves view their older siblings). I am quiet, but generally friendly; I partake in discussion, but play my cards close to my chest. I give nothing away if I can help it, knowing that any weakness will me exploited.

At school, I feel more like my 'true' self...and yet, not. I am easygoing, which sometimes makes me irresponsible. Nothing really bothers me, which isn't always a good thing. I have friends, which is a new experience for me; it's frightening and exciting at the same time.

You don't need to wear a mask when you're in the same environment all the time. Growing up, I was homeschooled. I was always at home. I got involved with a homeschool group, but I only did drama twice a year and took a few co-op classes. The other kids had grown up together; I was an outsider. I wasn't even a brilliant conversationalist; I kept to myself, not really caring if anyone else talked to me or not, and thus few did. My anonymity was not so much a mask as a way of life.

Things are different now. I care if people talk to me. I care if I have Facebook notifications or texts (two things more things to learn as I navigate college), if people greet me as they pass. I know people's names (even if I usually forget them, repeatedly, early on in our acquaintanceship), and they know mine. I have people I can talk to about stuff I couldn't share with anyone for most of my life.

So, I guess the point of this is that I'm lonely here. I love my family, and I love my friends...but in many ways my friends are more family than my actual family. I love my little sisters, it's true, but certain situations are very difficult to deal with. If it weren't for my little sisters, I wouldn't come back at all; but they need me, and the only way they can contact me is if I'm sitting here, on my computer, 'not doing anything productive.'

At the same time, being with them means I'm away from my friends...friends who, in all likelihood, don't completely understand just how much it means for me to actually have friends in the first place. They've been making friends all their lives. They may even be hanging out with their 'home' friends right now. They don't understand how much their presence means to me, how much I would do and sacrifice for them...I'm just another face, I suppose.

Please, guys, if you're reading this, don't take offense. I say this in an attempt at brutal self-examination. I'm not special, and I don't think I am. It bothers me, sure, that I probably won't see most of you after college. Don't think I don't get depressed when I face the reality that most of you will forget about me entirely within the next five to seven years.

I just want you all to know that I don't want to forget a single one of you. You've taught me so much...about life, about myself, and about putting on and taking off masks. I don't care if you forget me; I may forget you as well, but I won't stop praying for you.

Now go away and leave my to my sappy manga.


God bless,
PHC